2 am

It's 2am. Not a thing was stirring. 

Not even a mouse. 

It's Christmas morning, a very very early morning. I'm asleep in a bed, with my amazing husband next to me. We're out in the country, away from lots of people and spending lovely time with my grandparents. 

I have been so blessed this year. I was engaged, and now married. He takes care of me beyond belief. I don't know how I got so lucky. Since I know he won't see this before morning, I got him a Playstation Move! He's been wanting one for over a year now. I can't wait to give it to him in the morning. I really should sleep. This isn't much of a blog post. 

Just that I'm immensely blessed by family and my husband. I love him so much. I'm so lucky to have him. <3

Semper Feisty

I titled this blog Moments of Boldness for a reason. It wasn't because I think I'm brave, or that I'm someone to be admired, no I don't think I am to be admired right now. Yeah, you can look at me and know that I'm going through a hard time and that my husband has basically been away for about.... 18 months now. Yeah, we wrote letters for 10 months because he got injured, and we got married over boot leave. Maybe you can admire my strength through hardship. But, I'm not really bold. I don't stand up for myself very well. In the last 7 months I let a 16 year old girl lecture me on my behavior. My moment of boldness in that was that I kept my mouth shut; I could have said things to speak my mind, but no, I kept my mouth shut because I was going to be the bigger person. Oh, and she still won't talk to me. She told my husband she wants nothing to do with me. That's fine, it's your decision and you can just miss out on our life if you need some time to grow up. By the way, my behavior she was referring to, was that I was in distress about things she couldn't possibly comprehend or understand. I was emotionally broken because I did not know how to handle the change that was rapidly happening in my life. She isn't old enough to understand the fear and understandings of my new life that I was facing. In fact, every single person she admires has NO IDEA what a real long distance relationship is. Okay, you spent a few months apart. But you knew you would see each other again. Oh? You got to talk on the phone every night? Please tell me how difficult that was for you, because actually, I understand. I understand all too well. I can squeeze a 20 minute conversation in 5 minutes if I have to. I have gone weeks writing down all of the things I need to tell him or waiting for phone calls that would never come. I have a long distance relationship. Actually, the first 7 months of my marriage have been spent away from my husband. In fact, I can think of COUNTLESS wives and girlfriends who have been in my exact situation. I find comfort that I'm not alone in whole.

I'm going to be clear what has happened from my perspective. I'll tell you from the beginning, my thoughts and how I felt through all of this. I'll start from day one.


I was at MEPS with my then boyfriend (now husband). We hadn't really talked about our future at that point. I knew I wanted to marry him, of course, I'm sure he wasn't really sure about our future at that point. He was definitely trying to make a better life for himself, and I guess for me in whole.
I had NO IDEA what kind of contract he was going to sign. So, when he came back from signing it and said he enlisted for 8 years, I literally had to stand up and go to the bathroom and puke.
At this point, I was envisioning the rest of my life with him, so when he signed those papers, he signed my life away too. People don't understand how much it has affected every aspect of my life. You don't understand until you're in this spot. I think almost every military SO (that's significant other just in case you didn't know, in the military everything is an acronym) can testify that unless you're one of us, you don't really "know". So, at this point I was going crazy. I was excited for him though, and very proud. I was hoping and praying we had a way to be together quicker. I really was ready to be engaged.
Let's get straight to boot camp. We had a 3 day notice. And we had fun spending his last days of freedom with friends. That's right, friends. These friends would later turn their backs on me, which when they did that, they in reality turned their backs on him, too. Although, I know they wouldn't see it that way.
They just stopped talking to me. I'll tell you the real reason later. I'll also tell you exactly what they did behind my back.
Let me be clear. All anyone wants in a situation like this is to have people to help keep their minds busy. Someone to listen and someone to say it's going to be okay. But for some reason, our "friends" didn't get that.
They don't like me, I've come to realize this. And quite frankly, I don't think I can ever like them again either. Especially after the way I have been treated.
My first priority when he left was him. I wanted to make sure he had everything he needed. The day he shipped his recruiter told me one piece of advice that I will probably take with me to my grave. "He will only be as strong as you are." My first response was, "oh gosh, he's not going to make it."
So I started writing every day because I wanted him to know that he was loved and that he could do this. Honestly, I believed this was my chance to prove to him how much I loved and cared about him. I wanted to spend my life with him, and so I was going to do anything to be with him.
The night we got the official news that he was shipping, we were sitting in the kitchen talking and he asked me to come sit in his lap and he told me he would get me a ring after boot camp. Now, I didn't tell ANYONE this at first. Cause every time I told someone anything all I would hear was criticism and what I really needed was support. I wanted people to be happy for me. Here was a man, willing to go above and beyond to provide for me. He really loves me, and if any of our "friends" can't see our situation like this, then obviously their minds are very closed, and they're unwilling to see the good outcome from all of this.
So basically, all I really wanted was to hang out with people and stuff... and his sister had to go ruin it basically. I confided in someone who I thought could help fix our relationship and she simply told me she "couldn't be my friend and H's guardian at the same time". Well, you're a jerk, first off. Yes, I said it. I was trying to help! Every single person misunderstood my motives, but you know what gets me the most? No one asked me. Everyone just decided that a 16 year old must be more correct than a 20/21 year old.
Okay, I'm really ranting. Yes, all of this really happened. I was trying to fix a relationship and I asked for help and they turned me down.
THEN, these "friends" of ours, whom he still trusted when his grandfather died and he was home for 10 days, tried to convince him that he didn't know me!!!
Just talking about this makes my blood boil.
"You two will need time to get to know each other again".
Remember the beginning where I said MilSO's are basically our own little cult? Yeah, this whole situation is a no-no.
Also, I read one letter from his sister. Yeah, I said I wouldn't, but you know what? I saw my name. Sorry babe. I didn't mean to. She lost her rights to privacy. At least I'm nice enough to not say your name on here.
"Alysa cries all the time, she has issues."

Not issues little one, I was struggling. Everyone else has the issues if they're crazy enough to not get both sides of the story. And no one seemed to care enough to try to comfort me.
So basically here I was, I had no idea how to deal with these emotions and everyone was telling me to not talk about Ryan because it might upset said little sister. How do you think that made me feel?
Everyone says I made this into a competition. Actually, everyone else did. Everyone else gave her that power and you actually let her believe she has been right in every single situation. Wow. Just wow.
Let me be honest, I was a little brat to my own brother's wife. But NO ONE allowed me to get away with the way I treated her. I am almost 22 years old and my grandparents still never hesitate to correct me. These people are not bad parents, I just disagree with how they have all handled it. If it was my child, believe me, I would have made them apologize. I was told I needed to apologize. I did it on my own time of course. But I still apologized, and now we have a really awesome relationship. Love you Marilyn. <3
So, I went to church on Sunday night and I saw my now SIL. I think I've only been to church 7 or 8 times since Thanksgiving 2012. And I went because 1, my aunt asked me, and 2, a free meal.
I don't go to church. There I said it. But I have a faith and a relationship with God. Basically I believe that I have experienced this because I needed to be able to fully rely on God and not others. Cause obviously the CHURCH will let you down. People will let you down. Family will let you down. IT SHOULDN'T be that way.
What should have happened is that people should have said, hey, I know you're hurting, can I hug you? Are you okay? Wanna hang out and not think about it?
Not, let's avoid her because she's TOO EMOTIONAL (the reason they stopped talking to me).

Oh wow.. that makes perfect sense for a church to do huh? When I see one of my friends hurting, or even someone I don't know, I want to comfort them and hold them and go out of my way for them. But these people just stopped talking to me because they thought I would be too emotional? That doesn't make any sense to me. I'm sorry that I was hurting. I was having a really hard time. I couldn't change anything. You expected me to be all calm and cool and collected and act like this wasn't a big deal but in reality he was changing our lives! I apologize that feeling things is too much for you. Maybe you should try it more often.
Also, this is a warning, NEVER EVER get involved with my relationship (marriage now, you lost) again. You tried to stop it, so stay away now. I don't trust you.

So, after I stopped going to church, I finally told someone what was going on. And she took me under her wing and made me into the woman I am today. If you haven't gone through Gina Ullman's Boot Camp for Wives, then you haven't really lived yet. She showed me what true hospitality is, and what true love is in a friendship. She didn't even know me, but she saw a need, she saw hurt and she came to me. I'm crying by the way. I love this woman so much. She taught me everything I need to know. She made me less uptight about things. She toughened me up and seasoned me into a strong woman. She will be humble and say I did it on my own or I could've done it without her, but the truth is I couldn't have. I would not have made it without her, and I give all my thanks and love towards her and her family. If there's any woman that I would consider a Godly woman, it is her. She would kill me writing this paragraph about her. She isn't perfect you know? But neither am I. She showed me true friendship and she was there for me in one of my darkest moments. I value her and admire her. I can be vulnerable with her, and she's the kind of friend I have been looking for my entire life. And I know she is a life-long friend. I'm very thankful for her. I'm bold because of her I think. I really think about her in most situations. I think of her bravery and strength to overcome. I want to be a woman like that. I want to be bold and courageous. I want to be fierce and not forgotten. I don't want to care what people think about me. I still have a long way to go.





DISCLAIMER: Church is not referencing an entire body of people, but a small selection of people I was deceived into thinking they were my friends and was let down when reality struck that they didn't care about me at all. I'm also not bitter overall, I'm only stating what actually happened to me. My emotions will bleed through my reflections because everything can still feel very fresh to me.
In the end, I won out. I married him, and he married me. I'm very happy with Ryan, and I'm sad that people have chosen to not be there for us. And also, this sister I am referring to, I still care enough to not blast her name over the internet. If you know her name or her, cool, if not, stay out. I do not care what she thinks anymore. What happens next is on her. I expect an apology. If she is mature enough she will realize what she has done.
Also, Gina Ullman is a fierce woman and if you mess with me, she will in fact, come through this computer screen and kick your ass.

Be Your Own Sugar

If I could sum up all of everything I have been through over the last year and a half in one sentence or phrase I would say this:

Life isn’t fair, sometimes you have to make lemonade without any sugar.

There isn’t anyone to enrich your life, so you have to do it yourself.

We all want lemonade. Lemonade just needs water, lemons and sugar. But, you don't want any fake stuff right? You don't need the fake stuff. Fake sugar are fake friends, fake anything that is toxic to your life.

No, I want the real deal. Real sugar won't fake me out, I'm not counting calories; I don't want to think about quantity. I need quality. Pure, genuine things. We don't need to feed our bodies fake, toxic, bad substances. We want good influences in our lives. That's everything from friends to food. We need genuine and purely organic things in our lives.

Stop cheating yourself. Stop trying all different kinds of fake sugar just because it's supposed to be better for you. Just go for the real deal.

Once you realize this, enjoy your lemonade and go be someone's sugar. Just be you, because sometimes, you have to be the own sugar in your life.

Shedding Light on Post-Military Job Search Myths by Emma Banks

Re-entering civilian life after your military duty ends can require a big adjustment. Whether you're a career military person re-entering the non-military world or a recruit who is eager to rejoin the civilian work force, you may face unique challenges in searching for non-military work. Don't give up hope; just take your job search as slowly as you need to so you don't get overwhelmed or frustrated. You should also be aware that many of the stories you've heard about post-military job searches are untrue; you can and will find work. Here are some of the most common myths about looking for a civilian job after you leave the military.

MYTH: Ex-military personnel are not hirable because they have been trained to follow orders rather than take initiative.

TRUTH: As an ex-military member, you know that your service wasn't about simply following orders. It was about working as a member of a team so that you could contribute to achieving a common goal. This makes you a stronger candidate for many jobs, not a weaker one.

Most bosses today expect employees to balance order-taking with taking initiative. As an ex-military member, you've had more training in this skill than most civilians. Your future boss may appreciate your ability to focus on the team's best interest because this skill is fundamental to business success.

MYTH: Civilian companies don't care about veterans' needs.

TRUTH: Most companies care more about workers' individual needs than the media lets on. Employers know that unhappy and unhealthy employees aren't good for business, so they try to accommodate reasonable requests. For example, companies such as AT&T and Walmart utilize mobile recruiting services, like JIBE that allow job seekers to upload their resumes from a tablet or smartphone, and many companies offer the ability to work at home.

MYTH: There's no point to seeking temporary employment.

TRUTH: Temporary employment can meet both short-term and long-term job needs. No matter why you are seeking temporary employment, it might be the best path to your career goals.

Many veterans feel unready to take on a permanent job position for a variety of reasons. You may feel overwhelmed or need more time to adjust; if so, a temporary position is a good way to get used to working in a civilian capacity. Temporary jobs can help boost your self-confidence because the stakes are lower, so you can try out the job without worrying as much about how it will impact your professional reputation.

In addition, temporary jobs are a great way to get your foot in the door if you want a permanent job. Many permanent jobs require experience you may not have, which can be frustrating. A temp-to-hire job may not have this requirement. During your first 90 days, you and your employer can see how well you fit the job, and after this period your employer can hire you permanently.

Myth: Ex-military members can't get civilian jobs if they have a service-related disability.

Truth: Service-related disabilities are not necessarily a barrier to employment. Many companies are willing to make accommodations to ensure talented employees can do their jobs. Don't be embarrassed to ask to work at home or for flexible hours if you need to.

Not only are the majority of employers understanding, but the government is as well. The Veterans Administration knows that veterans sometimes need help adjusting to civilian life. The Veterans Administration can help you overcome service-related health challenges so you can succeed on the job.

Emma is a mid 20-something year old with a passion for life, love, fitness, and helping others. She loves to be active and get involved in as many sport and community activities as possible. Emma is currently studying to become a Career & Life Coach, and loves to network with people from around the world! Check out Emma’s blog at http://smileasithappens.blogspot.com/!



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My husband will be home in 2 weeks, and at that point, our entire way of life will be changing. I am quite nervous about the job searching. We go from a steady pay-check, health insurance, and no worries about making bills..... to I don't know how we're going to get by these next few months if we are both working part time. 
We shall see how this all works, but I think Miss Emma has hit the spot.  Life after military is an adjustment. The only thing with us is that it's not post-military career. He still and may see a deployment. Yay reserves! Yeah, no. I get to be normal, except that it's not normal at all. I don't fit in with normal families and we aren't an active duty military family.

So welcome to the world of being a wife who is in the middle. We are the middle women. Reservists wives.
I guess we get the best of both worlds.

XO Alysa  

Reflections

As I was sitting on my bedroom floor tonight, I found myself staring at a photo I had at eye level. Every morning and evening for the past 7 months I have sat on my floor either doing my hair and make-up or doing sit-ups and other work outs. This picture is of 5 guys. I only know the name of one other besides Ryan. The photo was taken on Christmas morning and posted a day or so later. Ryan was in boot camp. He was stuck there.
Tonight, I felt an overwhelming feeling that I should just cry. This was only 7 months ago...
I was stuck here, in this monotonous cycle of school, work, waiting for letters, writing letters, working out, eating, tears and never spending more that a few minutes away from my phone. I can't even imagine what he was going through. I knew what I was dealing with sucked, but I still to this day, will never understand what he went through, and he won't ever be able to fully understand what I endured as well. But that is not the point I'm making with that thought. The point is we did it. We both pulled through together, because our end goal was exactly the same. We just wanted to hug each other.
When Ryan left, our relationship was far from perfect. I didn't know if he was ever going to propose to me. In fact, I'm not sure he really knew what he wanted out of his life. To be honest, my goals haven't changed. I'm finally getting what I've hoped and prayed for.
The military has this motto... hurry up and wait. And while you're waiting, here let me make everything absolutely difficult for you. I had to do a lot of waiting. We both did. We were told one thing, and then something completely different would be what would end up happening. 
Semper Gumby - Always be flexible..
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
These are phrases became second nature to me.
I also have this prayer I painted and would say and look at every single day.
"Lord, grant me the greatness of heart to see the difference in duty and his love for me. Give me the understanding to know that when duty calls he must go. Give me a task to do each day to fill the time while he is away. And Lord, when duty is in the field, please protect him and be his shield." 
I'm only beginning to learn what this prayer really means. My first lesson and experience was having to give him back this last time.
Most can understand if your SO is in the military. I had to watch him walk away from me knowing I didn't know when I would see him again. When duty calls he MUST go. When I had to give him back, I stood at the top of the "hill", watching him walk towards a lot of other Marines. But I stood and watched him walk back. He couldn't turn around. He also couldn't be late. There is nothing fair about this. But this is the way it is. Of course early on I learned about filling my time with things. I'm still not very good at it, but I'm getting better. Working and interacting with people is a HUGE way to help yourself. And after so many trips to medical, I CONSTANTLY pray safety over him. Yup, that pretty much sums up that prayer for me.
I really don't know where we will be in a few months. I know I won't leave until I have another job lined up. 

If I could sum up my entire experience of him being away at boot camp, I wouldn't even be able to write down the words I would like to just scream at the top of my lungs.... because I'm a lady, and I don't talk like that. It sucked. I hated every minute. People suck.
I lost a lot. But I gained a new family of people and friends and I've made something of myself and I'm a stronger woman for it.
Nothing or no one can take this away from me.
I didn't accomplish anything huge. I just proved to myself that I'm capable of much more than I ever believed possible. And I gained a husband, and a new life, and new goals and now I have my own little family.
And people can try to tell me they understand, and they can try to give me advice, but in reality, you don't know. There it is. If you try to understand, then obviously you have the ability to be a good influence in my life. But if you're just going to tell me that I need to do things or you're going to sit around and tell me what things will be like.. oh I'm sorry, you're not me. And if you made it clear you had no interest in me before now, then don't even try now.
Yes, I've had people try to insert their opinion and experiences and expect me to take it to heart. But when I needed friends and emotional support, you left me alone. So don't even try now. They probably know who "they" are too.
I've proved to myself that I don't "need" anyone. I want friends. But most importantly, I put my trust in God. Because He is the ultimate healer and friend and protector. He gave me strength when I had none. He comforted me when humanity failed to see pain. He touched me when no one dared to show interest. That is what I gained; a one of a kind experience that I will never forget. It's also probably preparing me for something worse. But I can do it. I can do anything with Christ who strengthens me.

PS. I love you Ryan. Thank you for never giving up on me and thank you for choosing me to be your wife and your new family. <3 I love you.

Husband, here I come!

Sorry, I've been bad about actually submitting my blog posts. I've written quite a few and then I decide that it's not something I should really post.
There isn't too much going on right now. I'm working two jobs and trying to figure out what I'm going to do about a living situation in the fall while adjusting to being married, except, my husband isn't here. I joke with my friends a lot "I wish I knew what it was like to actually live with my husband."
If they only knew I wasn't kidding. I think they know, but I'm sure they don't fully understand what I'm dealing with.
Ryan and I have decided to fly me out there for the 4th! We're extremely worried that he won't get the liberty he needs to stay with me overnight, which really saddens me. I hate that they can keep him away from me like that, but I imagine that they will let him go. (Knock on wood.) But I'm extremely excited to see him! I've only seen him 20 days in the last year, and it will probably be half a year before he's home. *sigh*
I guess this is military life, especially when they get stuck in medical.
But, on the bright side I will get to see him, even if that means going to Pendleton myself for a hug. I'm thankful I'm his wife. Of all the things, I'm thankful he loved me enough to marry me before he left, even if it was so sudden and all weird and caused problems. We weren't thinking completely clearly, but all I know is that my emotions are so much better than before. I'm so much happier and less stressed about life in general. I can finally sit back and relax. I'm trying not to worry about too much. For two jobs and worrying about my living situation... I'd say my life is relatively calm, and that is worth celebrating. Yay, California!
Husband, here I come!

Late night ramblings

This is the farthest I've been away from Ryan physically since he left last summer.  He's been away for almost a year now, and I've had to learn to function without him. I'm not sure how I've managed to survive this far; only by the will and grace of God that I was able to pull through this and feel at peace with what we are both doing. Of course, nothing in life ever goes according to plan, and then we're left scrounging around for the peices to put back together. All 3 times he has left I have felt at peace, or have realized that its not so bad. I'm never supposed to enjoy this time apart. I'll never get used to it. And that's perfectly okay. 

One day at a time they say. 

One step at a time is all I can handle. 

Peice by peice we are putting our lives together. What a journey this will be! 

God's Love in My Life

Tonight, I was talking to a friend about trust, and what it meant to have your trust completely broken. But what does God say about forgiveness? What does God say about love? God's love is unconditional, and his unconditional love has allowed me to learn to love my husband in a way I never imagined I could love someone. I hope he doesn't mind me sharing this. I feel confident in sharing this because I can look back on that experience and actually love him for it. He truly loves me and cares for me, and his first concern is all for me. But, when our heart reaches a state of turmoil, how should we react. This was probably one of the hardest, yet easiest things I've done during our dating relationship.
In December 2012, the day after Ryan went back to boot camp, he wrote me a letter explaining why he didn't want to get married after boot camp, he wanted to wait to get engaged. Now, his reasons could be valid, but none of this was what he expressed to me in the fall or while he was home in November. He broke my heart, which he has done over and over again for other things and in other times. Yet, every time I trusted him. I didn't answer his letter for a few days. I didn't want to respond because I knew my words would be out of anger. I wrote 9 pages of a response. I waited almost a week before I mailed what I finally ended up writing. I cried for 3 days, and my blood was boiling. I'm not sure I have ever been more angry at him before. He shattered my heart in that letter. But I had to decide if I was going to pick up the pieces myself, or allow him the opportunity to hold my heart once again.
A few days later, I got another letter saying he was sorry and that's not what he wanted. He allowed our "friends" to influence his opinion of what he wanted when none of these people have any idea what being in a military relationship is like. They have no idea what it feels like to be away from the person you love for weeks and weeks (months in our case) at a time with your only contact with them is by letter. I waited months by the mailbox. The longest I ever went without a letter was two weeks. And I knew he was busy. But for someone like that to step in and try to offer their "advice", especially to someone about someone. Especially to feel that someone went behind your back to shatter everything you have been working towards. That week was not very comfortable. And until now, I really haven't said anything about this experience. First because it doesn't matter now. He married me on boot leave and I'm the happiest I have ever been, even though he's back in California. He has immensely blessed my life, and I know he will continue to enrich my life.

With all of that said, I know you want to know if I sent the 9 page long response. I did the exact opposite. I sealed in an envelope the hurtful letter and a piece of paper that said this: "Love holds no record of wrongs."

Growing up I never imagined that I would be where I am today. Yeah, I thought I'd be a senior in college by now and I'd have my life together. But slowly, I'm putting the pieces of my puzzle together. The only problem I'm facing is that half of my puzzle pieces are missing, and the cover on the box is invisible. I have no idea which piece I'll find next, or when it will decide to show. Then, sometimes the piece fits, but the next thing I know, the puzzle piece becomes morphed and it's no longer right for it's spot on the table, so then I have to throw it away, or sometimes it even fits in another spot on the board. I just never know what will happen next.
I just got married, on a whim. A huge whim with no regrets. I feel confident though because I know I married for love. I married him because I know I truly love him. I love him with all of my heart, and now, it's okay to show the world. But always, there will be things that I will want to keep to myself.
As for now, a few things you should know about me.
We just spent 10 months away from each other. No, not a deployment. He was at boot camp for that long. That means no phone calls, no skype, no texting.
I have 78 letters, and he has about 300 or so. I wrote almost every day he was away.
As time seems appropriate, I don't mind sharing a few things.

A dear friend of mine suggested I start a blog about my adventures as a Marine wife, now that I am one. So you know... here it goes.