Semper Feisty

I titled this blog Moments of Boldness for a reason. It wasn't because I think I'm brave, or that I'm someone to be admired, no I don't think I am to be admired right now. Yeah, you can look at me and know that I'm going through a hard time and that my husband has basically been away for about.... 18 months now. Yeah, we wrote letters for 10 months because he got injured, and we got married over boot leave. Maybe you can admire my strength through hardship. But, I'm not really bold. I don't stand up for myself very well. In the last 7 months I let a 16 year old girl lecture me on my behavior. My moment of boldness in that was that I kept my mouth shut; I could have said things to speak my mind, but no, I kept my mouth shut because I was going to be the bigger person. Oh, and she still won't talk to me. She told my husband she wants nothing to do with me. That's fine, it's your decision and you can just miss out on our life if you need some time to grow up. By the way, my behavior she was referring to, was that I was in distress about things she couldn't possibly comprehend or understand. I was emotionally broken because I did not know how to handle the change that was rapidly happening in my life. She isn't old enough to understand the fear and understandings of my new life that I was facing. In fact, every single person she admires has NO IDEA what a real long distance relationship is. Okay, you spent a few months apart. But you knew you would see each other again. Oh? You got to talk on the phone every night? Please tell me how difficult that was for you, because actually, I understand. I understand all too well. I can squeeze a 20 minute conversation in 5 minutes if I have to. I have gone weeks writing down all of the things I need to tell him or waiting for phone calls that would never come. I have a long distance relationship. Actually, the first 7 months of my marriage have been spent away from my husband. In fact, I can think of COUNTLESS wives and girlfriends who have been in my exact situation. I find comfort that I'm not alone in whole.

I'm going to be clear what has happened from my perspective. I'll tell you from the beginning, my thoughts and how I felt through all of this. I'll start from day one.


I was at MEPS with my then boyfriend (now husband). We hadn't really talked about our future at that point. I knew I wanted to marry him, of course, I'm sure he wasn't really sure about our future at that point. He was definitely trying to make a better life for himself, and I guess for me in whole.
I had NO IDEA what kind of contract he was going to sign. So, when he came back from signing it and said he enlisted for 8 years, I literally had to stand up and go to the bathroom and puke.
At this point, I was envisioning the rest of my life with him, so when he signed those papers, he signed my life away too. People don't understand how much it has affected every aspect of my life. You don't understand until you're in this spot. I think almost every military SO (that's significant other just in case you didn't know, in the military everything is an acronym) can testify that unless you're one of us, you don't really "know". So, at this point I was going crazy. I was excited for him though, and very proud. I was hoping and praying we had a way to be together quicker. I really was ready to be engaged.
Let's get straight to boot camp. We had a 3 day notice. And we had fun spending his last days of freedom with friends. That's right, friends. These friends would later turn their backs on me, which when they did that, they in reality turned their backs on him, too. Although, I know they wouldn't see it that way.
They just stopped talking to me. I'll tell you the real reason later. I'll also tell you exactly what they did behind my back.
Let me be clear. All anyone wants in a situation like this is to have people to help keep their minds busy. Someone to listen and someone to say it's going to be okay. But for some reason, our "friends" didn't get that.
They don't like me, I've come to realize this. And quite frankly, I don't think I can ever like them again either. Especially after the way I have been treated.
My first priority when he left was him. I wanted to make sure he had everything he needed. The day he shipped his recruiter told me one piece of advice that I will probably take with me to my grave. "He will only be as strong as you are." My first response was, "oh gosh, he's not going to make it."
So I started writing every day because I wanted him to know that he was loved and that he could do this. Honestly, I believed this was my chance to prove to him how much I loved and cared about him. I wanted to spend my life with him, and so I was going to do anything to be with him.
The night we got the official news that he was shipping, we were sitting in the kitchen talking and he asked me to come sit in his lap and he told me he would get me a ring after boot camp. Now, I didn't tell ANYONE this at first. Cause every time I told someone anything all I would hear was criticism and what I really needed was support. I wanted people to be happy for me. Here was a man, willing to go above and beyond to provide for me. He really loves me, and if any of our "friends" can't see our situation like this, then obviously their minds are very closed, and they're unwilling to see the good outcome from all of this.
So basically, all I really wanted was to hang out with people and stuff... and his sister had to go ruin it basically. I confided in someone who I thought could help fix our relationship and she simply told me she "couldn't be my friend and H's guardian at the same time". Well, you're a jerk, first off. Yes, I said it. I was trying to help! Every single person misunderstood my motives, but you know what gets me the most? No one asked me. Everyone just decided that a 16 year old must be more correct than a 20/21 year old.
Okay, I'm really ranting. Yes, all of this really happened. I was trying to fix a relationship and I asked for help and they turned me down.
THEN, these "friends" of ours, whom he still trusted when his grandfather died and he was home for 10 days, tried to convince him that he didn't know me!!!
Just talking about this makes my blood boil.
"You two will need time to get to know each other again".
Remember the beginning where I said MilSO's are basically our own little cult? Yeah, this whole situation is a no-no.
Also, I read one letter from his sister. Yeah, I said I wouldn't, but you know what? I saw my name. Sorry babe. I didn't mean to. She lost her rights to privacy. At least I'm nice enough to not say your name on here.
"Alysa cries all the time, she has issues."

Not issues little one, I was struggling. Everyone else has the issues if they're crazy enough to not get both sides of the story. And no one seemed to care enough to try to comfort me.
So basically here I was, I had no idea how to deal with these emotions and everyone was telling me to not talk about Ryan because it might upset said little sister. How do you think that made me feel?
Everyone says I made this into a competition. Actually, everyone else did. Everyone else gave her that power and you actually let her believe she has been right in every single situation. Wow. Just wow.
Let me be honest, I was a little brat to my own brother's wife. But NO ONE allowed me to get away with the way I treated her. I am almost 22 years old and my grandparents still never hesitate to correct me. These people are not bad parents, I just disagree with how they have all handled it. If it was my child, believe me, I would have made them apologize. I was told I needed to apologize. I did it on my own time of course. But I still apologized, and now we have a really awesome relationship. Love you Marilyn. <3
So, I went to church on Sunday night and I saw my now SIL. I think I've only been to church 7 or 8 times since Thanksgiving 2012. And I went because 1, my aunt asked me, and 2, a free meal.
I don't go to church. There I said it. But I have a faith and a relationship with God. Basically I believe that I have experienced this because I needed to be able to fully rely on God and not others. Cause obviously the CHURCH will let you down. People will let you down. Family will let you down. IT SHOULDN'T be that way.
What should have happened is that people should have said, hey, I know you're hurting, can I hug you? Are you okay? Wanna hang out and not think about it?
Not, let's avoid her because she's TOO EMOTIONAL (the reason they stopped talking to me).

Oh wow.. that makes perfect sense for a church to do huh? When I see one of my friends hurting, or even someone I don't know, I want to comfort them and hold them and go out of my way for them. But these people just stopped talking to me because they thought I would be too emotional? That doesn't make any sense to me. I'm sorry that I was hurting. I was having a really hard time. I couldn't change anything. You expected me to be all calm and cool and collected and act like this wasn't a big deal but in reality he was changing our lives! I apologize that feeling things is too much for you. Maybe you should try it more often.
Also, this is a warning, NEVER EVER get involved with my relationship (marriage now, you lost) again. You tried to stop it, so stay away now. I don't trust you.

So, after I stopped going to church, I finally told someone what was going on. And she took me under her wing and made me into the woman I am today. If you haven't gone through Gina Ullman's Boot Camp for Wives, then you haven't really lived yet. She showed me what true hospitality is, and what true love is in a friendship. She didn't even know me, but she saw a need, she saw hurt and she came to me. I'm crying by the way. I love this woman so much. She taught me everything I need to know. She made me less uptight about things. She toughened me up and seasoned me into a strong woman. She will be humble and say I did it on my own or I could've done it without her, but the truth is I couldn't have. I would not have made it without her, and I give all my thanks and love towards her and her family. If there's any woman that I would consider a Godly woman, it is her. She would kill me writing this paragraph about her. She isn't perfect you know? But neither am I. She showed me true friendship and she was there for me in one of my darkest moments. I value her and admire her. I can be vulnerable with her, and she's the kind of friend I have been looking for my entire life. And I know she is a life-long friend. I'm very thankful for her. I'm bold because of her I think. I really think about her in most situations. I think of her bravery and strength to overcome. I want to be a woman like that. I want to be bold and courageous. I want to be fierce and not forgotten. I don't want to care what people think about me. I still have a long way to go.





DISCLAIMER: Church is not referencing an entire body of people, but a small selection of people I was deceived into thinking they were my friends and was let down when reality struck that they didn't care about me at all. I'm also not bitter overall, I'm only stating what actually happened to me. My emotions will bleed through my reflections because everything can still feel very fresh to me.
In the end, I won out. I married him, and he married me. I'm very happy with Ryan, and I'm sad that people have chosen to not be there for us. And also, this sister I am referring to, I still care enough to not blast her name over the internet. If you know her name or her, cool, if not, stay out. I do not care what she thinks anymore. What happens next is on her. I expect an apology. If she is mature enough she will realize what she has done.
Also, Gina Ullman is a fierce woman and if you mess with me, she will in fact, come through this computer screen and kick your ass.