Tonight, I was talking to a friend about trust, and what it meant to
have your trust completely broken. But what does God say about forgiveness? What does God say about love? God's love is unconditional, and his unconditional love has allowed me to learn to love my husband in a way I never imagined I could love someone. I hope he doesn't mind me sharing this. I feel confident in sharing this because I can look back on that experience and actually love him for it. He truly loves me and cares for me, and his first concern is all for me. But, when our heart reaches a state of turmoil, how should we react. This was probably one of the hardest, yet easiest things I've done during our dating relationship.
In December 2012, the day after Ryan went back to boot camp, he wrote me a letter explaining why he didn't want to get married after boot camp, he wanted to wait to get engaged. Now, his reasons could be valid, but none of this was what he expressed to me in the fall or while he was home in November. He broke my heart, which he has done over and over again for other things and in other times. Yet, every time I trusted him. I didn't answer his letter for a few days. I didn't want to respond because I knew my words would be out of anger. I wrote 9 pages of a response. I waited almost a week before I mailed what I finally ended up writing. I cried for 3 days, and my blood was boiling. I'm not sure I have ever been more angry at him before. He shattered my heart in that letter. But I had to decide if I was going to pick up the pieces myself, or allow him the opportunity to hold my heart once again.
A few days later, I got another letter saying he was sorry and that's not what he wanted. He allowed our "friends" to influence his opinion of what he wanted when none of these people have any idea what being in a military relationship is like. They have no idea what it feels like to be away from the person you love for weeks and weeks (months in our case) at a time with your only contact with them is by letter. I waited months by the mailbox. The longest I ever went without a letter was two weeks. And I knew he was busy. But for someone like that to step in and try to offer their "advice", especially to someone about someone. Especially to feel that someone went behind your back to shatter everything you have been working towards. That week was not very comfortable. And until now, I really haven't said anything about this experience. First because it doesn't matter now. He married me on boot leave and I'm the happiest I have ever been, even though he's back in California. He has immensely blessed my life, and I know he will continue to enrich my life.
In December 2012, the day after Ryan went back to boot camp, he wrote me a letter explaining why he didn't want to get married after boot camp, he wanted to wait to get engaged. Now, his reasons could be valid, but none of this was what he expressed to me in the fall or while he was home in November. He broke my heart, which he has done over and over again for other things and in other times. Yet, every time I trusted him. I didn't answer his letter for a few days. I didn't want to respond because I knew my words would be out of anger. I wrote 9 pages of a response. I waited almost a week before I mailed what I finally ended up writing. I cried for 3 days, and my blood was boiling. I'm not sure I have ever been more angry at him before. He shattered my heart in that letter. But I had to decide if I was going to pick up the pieces myself, or allow him the opportunity to hold my heart once again.
A few days later, I got another letter saying he was sorry and that's not what he wanted. He allowed our "friends" to influence his opinion of what he wanted when none of these people have any idea what being in a military relationship is like. They have no idea what it feels like to be away from the person you love for weeks and weeks (months in our case) at a time with your only contact with them is by letter. I waited months by the mailbox. The longest I ever went without a letter was two weeks. And I knew he was busy. But for someone like that to step in and try to offer their "advice", especially to someone about someone. Especially to feel that someone went behind your back to shatter everything you have been working towards. That week was not very comfortable. And until now, I really haven't said anything about this experience. First because it doesn't matter now. He married me on boot leave and I'm the happiest I have ever been, even though he's back in California. He has immensely blessed my life, and I know he will continue to enrich my life.
With all of that said, I know you want to know if I sent the 9 page long response. I did the exact opposite. I sealed in an envelope the hurtful letter and a piece of paper that said this: "Love
holds no record of wrongs."
