Reflections

As I was sitting on my bedroom floor tonight, I found myself staring at a photo I had at eye level. Every morning and evening for the past 7 months I have sat on my floor either doing my hair and make-up or doing sit-ups and other work outs. This picture is of 5 guys. I only know the name of one other besides Ryan. The photo was taken on Christmas morning and posted a day or so later. Ryan was in boot camp. He was stuck there.
Tonight, I felt an overwhelming feeling that I should just cry. This was only 7 months ago...
I was stuck here, in this monotonous cycle of school, work, waiting for letters, writing letters, working out, eating, tears and never spending more that a few minutes away from my phone. I can't even imagine what he was going through. I knew what I was dealing with sucked, but I still to this day, will never understand what he went through, and he won't ever be able to fully understand what I endured as well. But that is not the point I'm making with that thought. The point is we did it. We both pulled through together, because our end goal was exactly the same. We just wanted to hug each other.
When Ryan left, our relationship was far from perfect. I didn't know if he was ever going to propose to me. In fact, I'm not sure he really knew what he wanted out of his life. To be honest, my goals haven't changed. I'm finally getting what I've hoped and prayed for.
The military has this motto... hurry up and wait. And while you're waiting, here let me make everything absolutely difficult for you. I had to do a lot of waiting. We both did. We were told one thing, and then something completely different would be what would end up happening. 
Semper Gumby - Always be flexible..
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
These are phrases became second nature to me.
I also have this prayer I painted and would say and look at every single day.
"Lord, grant me the greatness of heart to see the difference in duty and his love for me. Give me the understanding to know that when duty calls he must go. Give me a task to do each day to fill the time while he is away. And Lord, when duty is in the field, please protect him and be his shield." 
I'm only beginning to learn what this prayer really means. My first lesson and experience was having to give him back this last time.
Most can understand if your SO is in the military. I had to watch him walk away from me knowing I didn't know when I would see him again. When duty calls he MUST go. When I had to give him back, I stood at the top of the "hill", watching him walk towards a lot of other Marines. But I stood and watched him walk back. He couldn't turn around. He also couldn't be late. There is nothing fair about this. But this is the way it is. Of course early on I learned about filling my time with things. I'm still not very good at it, but I'm getting better. Working and interacting with people is a HUGE way to help yourself. And after so many trips to medical, I CONSTANTLY pray safety over him. Yup, that pretty much sums up that prayer for me.
I really don't know where we will be in a few months. I know I won't leave until I have another job lined up. 

If I could sum up my entire experience of him being away at boot camp, I wouldn't even be able to write down the words I would like to just scream at the top of my lungs.... because I'm a lady, and I don't talk like that. It sucked. I hated every minute. People suck.
I lost a lot. But I gained a new family of people and friends and I've made something of myself and I'm a stronger woman for it.
Nothing or no one can take this away from me.
I didn't accomplish anything huge. I just proved to myself that I'm capable of much more than I ever believed possible. And I gained a husband, and a new life, and new goals and now I have my own little family.
And people can try to tell me they understand, and they can try to give me advice, but in reality, you don't know. There it is. If you try to understand, then obviously you have the ability to be a good influence in my life. But if you're just going to tell me that I need to do things or you're going to sit around and tell me what things will be like.. oh I'm sorry, you're not me. And if you made it clear you had no interest in me before now, then don't even try now.
Yes, I've had people try to insert their opinion and experiences and expect me to take it to heart. But when I needed friends and emotional support, you left me alone. So don't even try now. They probably know who "they" are too.
I've proved to myself that I don't "need" anyone. I want friends. But most importantly, I put my trust in God. Because He is the ultimate healer and friend and protector. He gave me strength when I had none. He comforted me when humanity failed to see pain. He touched me when no one dared to show interest. That is what I gained; a one of a kind experience that I will never forget. It's also probably preparing me for something worse. But I can do it. I can do anything with Christ who strengthens me.

PS. I love you Ryan. Thank you for never giving up on me and thank you for choosing me to be your wife and your new family. <3 I love you.